Self-worth is definitely something I struggled with for quite a while, and to be honest, I still do struggle with it sometimes. I don’t struggle with lack of self-love or self-worth as often as I did a few months or years back, but there are times when my mind/the voices in my mind tell me I’m either “not good enough, undeserving, under appreciated, or not significant enough to be loved/thought of/spend time with”. For instance, when someone plans or suggests meeting up with me, but doesn’t follow up to what they say/planned. When this happens and they don’t message me or contact me in any way for a while (even before, during, and after when we were supposed to meet up), I start to feel really de-valued. I start to drift into thinking that I’m not good enough or “worthy enough” to spend time with, or that I’m just … kind of unwanted. Another example would be in terms of eating, when I finish a lot of a snack or food that I was supposed to share with my family (like grapes or friut in general– my family doesn’t eat as much of it as I do, and I enjoy it, so I enjoy and eat loads of it), and when self-guilt/blame/shame starts coming in, I tell myself that I don’t deserve to eat (anymore, or just eat in general), and that I’m selfish and stubborn for having finished it and not shared with my family. But the story isn’t like that. It really isn’t. It’s just the voices in my head that messes with me; the enemy that tries me pull me away from myself and God and my loved ones, trying to convince me that I’m worthless and not good enough.
But I try my best to fight against those thoughts and see myself in the light and beauty of God. I have to keep fighting, and I have to keep trying so hard to get better. But I know in the end, recovery will be worth every single sweat, tear, effort, and cry that comes in the way/process. I believe that one day, i will see myself the way my loved ones (my friends, family, peers, etc) and God see me. I will one day fully see myself through the eyes of God– seeing myself the way God sees me; how I am perfectly and beautifully created to do wondrous works in this world for His glory.