Feeling disconnected, but it’s all on perspective (Part 1)

It’s all about perspective. I’m currently riding in the bus to my church and I am sitting alone. When I entered the bus, there weren’t many people yet or people I usually associate with. Then a friend from my small group entered the bus and I said hi and asked to sit next to me. But she seemed to walk toward someone else that she may be closer with or spend more time with. Then I felt a little discouraged or “down” because I felt ignored or not wanted. But I let that go and just tried to brush it off. I feel like my heart just gets more damage every time I try to interact or generally be involved with any communities because … I get ignored, or I don’t know the people as well, I feel really disconnected.
Then when the bus went to the second location for pick up, I saw a friend I’m pretty close with and asked her to sit with me. But she was with another friend that she’s been recently getting closer with and said she’ll sit in the back/ behind me with her. Instantly, I felt as if I was unwanted or disconnected and isolated from everyone/a lot of people at this church. That’s why some times, I just feel like I don’t really want to be involved or attend as many events because I don’t want to feel like this again. I guess I’m “afraid” of getting hurt and feeling isolated/disconnected again, and feeling apart from this community.
As much as I want to be involved and love these people as want to get to know them more, it’s really hard. Especially for someone suffering from mental disorders like anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder.
I’m trying, but gradually I feel as if people are pushing me away or replacing me. I don’t feel as connected anymore, and I feel like I’m getting distant from the members at my church. Sad.
But this could all just be perspective. But I’m definitely trying.

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